Embrace Empathy
Empathy is a learned ability and a must for model leaders.
This month we invite model leaders to embrace empathy. The ability to understand and share the feelings of another is one of the most crucial skills for leaders today.
What do you say to yourself when you wake up in the morning? Something as simple as looking in the mirror and saying “hey buddy” can go a long way.
For those of you who suffer from imposter syndrome after making a hard decision, meeting a deadline or engaging your team, do you pause to acknowledge your positive impact, and to thank yourself?
Pick a positive affirmation to fight the inner critic and love who you are.
If we are ever asked what’s the best thing a leader can do to improve their leadership, the answer is to listen more. Listening is a discipline. It takes effort and energy. It demands curiosity. And it yields lasting relationships. It allows us into another person’s heart and mind, which naturally develops empathy.
We recommend Celeste Headlee’s excellent TED talk, especially the section on listening.
In a one-on-one or team meeting, ask yourself:
What is the proportion of my talking to my listening?
Who haven’t I heard from on this topic?
Am I really listening and responding when others share their perspectives?
How often do I ask open-ended questions?
What kind of tone am I setting as a listening leader? Do I interrupt? Is there space and room for everyone to speak? Am I respectful? Am I distracted?
To strengthen your listening skills, tell your teammates and family members that you are working on this skill. Ask them for help—by noticing when you interrupt, get distracted or bring the conversation back to you. The relationships you build are worth any perceived inefficiency. Listening is a way to demonstrate that another person is seen and valued and as you do it, you won’t just build empathy, you will help meet a fundamental human need.
We recommend Kate Murphy’s book, “You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters.”
The most complex kind of empathy is for those who are “other” to us. How can you develop this? Reach toward those who are different, those who may even feel like an adversary. A quote attributed to Abraham Lincoln succinctly states, “I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.” Lincoln, in his first inaugural address pled for friendship: “Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection.” In his second inaugural address, and after the country had been torn apart in war, he pled for “malice toward none and charity for all.”
Curious listening may not change your mind on complex, controversial issues, but it can change your heart in understanding another person. Take the advice of our friend and mentor Sally Jewell and “authentically seek out different points of view to make sure that those perspectives have been heard and have been respected.”
Having this experience with just one person who is different can generate habitual curiosity and sweeping empathy. As Rabbi Sharon Brous said in a powerful recent op-ed, “One of the great casualties of tribalism is curiosity. And when we are no longer curious, when we don’t try to imagine or understand what another person is thinking or feeling or where her pain comes from, our hearts begin to narrow. We become less compassionate and more entrenched in our own worldviews.”
There will be those who sow seeds of division, who stoke fires of fear, who mislead with misinformation. You will not be among them. You will rise above the attacks and run toward these divisions. You will meet the conflict not to further it, but to build, to heal, to listen, and to lift. You will become closer to the people who terrify you. You will get so close to others that the foreign becomes familiar. And as you do this, your heart may break and give room for empathy to fill the cracks.
